this is HER story.

2010-07-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

It's Time.

This post was supposed to be posted on April 19,2010.

ONE.
The number of times i was in love.
ONE.
That one guy i fell in love with.
ONE.
The number of times i got my heart badly shattered by that one guy.

It's your birthday today. I sent you an sms wishing you happy birthday. Not surprised that you replied damn late,but surprised that you replied.

Thanks for wishing me happiness in your reply.
It's time not to bear grudges towards you anymore.
Heard you have gotten yourself a wonderful girl.
Sincerely wish you happiness with your darling girl. (:

Happiness?
Waiting for my happiness to appear is like eternity.
But i believe,it's not gonna be eternity.
It only seems like eternity.
He will appear,
Someday...

All that's from the bottom of her broken heart,are dead and buried memories.
I'll still remember how we bumped into each other and all the fun times we had together though.
However,
I'm not gonna stay stuck anymore.
I'm not gonna fantasize how we can be together again anymore.
Just gonna move on,
And keep walking,
Untill someday,
That other special guy will appear,
And take me away...

2010-06-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

In The Name Of Love

This incident happened on 14th June 2010. Since so many events took place on that day,I didn't have time to pen them down to my blog until today.

14th June 2010. Why do horrible things happen on the 14? My heartbreaking break up with him was on the 14th,February 2009. Today,June 14,2010 - The breakup of my family.

Number 14,should I hate you?

What is true love? Up to the 18 years of living in this world,the only real life example of true love I've seen is from my dad to my mum.

Mum,you really managed to shatter dad's heart into millions,millions and some more millions of pieces this time. Dad found a notebook which you were hiding. What you wrote inside aroused dad's suspicion. Hence,dad went to our house in Malaysia to confirm his suspicion.

Condoms,sexy lingerie,a man's clothes. A bed which had been tidied up. All these,found in that house. That house where a once happy family lived. Found in that house where I grew up until I was a teenager,that house where I was once loved by two loving parents who were very much in love.

All of our family photos in that once warm and loving home were gone. Warmth of love from that house was now replaced by an atmosphere of emptiness.

I couldn't believe it. In my eyes,my mum was great. She was a loving mum to me. She always told me to be a good girl,and not go around seducing and flirting with guys. Yes,I really listened to her. I always behaved when I was out of the house.

But mum,what did you do? Your promises,your words. So it was a lie.

SO IT WAS A LIE.

Mum,how could you?

Dad went into a rage. He smashed the furniture,any non-living object he could get his hands on. In all the 20 plus years of your marriage,dad had never hit you. No matter how you slapped him,no matter how you humiliated him,no matter how cold,resentful and unloving you were towards him,not once did he hit you. Never. Not even once. Until today,you got two slaps from him which he gave so reluctantly.

And so so so shockingly,

"So what?"

"Who are you to talk to me?"

"THIS IS COMMON WHAAAT."

Dad roared: "I'll cut off your photo from our wedding album!"

"Yeah,come on,I've been waiting for that for a long time!"

That was what that came out of your mouth.

Where is the guilt? Where is the shame? Where is the love?

Dad reached our Singapore home. He took out his wedding album. His face,expressionless. He started turning the pages. With each turning of the page,warm tears began to trickle down his cheeks. He caressed the picture of you wearing your wedding gown. He was kissing you on your cheeks,the cheeks that he slapped today. You were hugging him. A face of bliss as you relish in his loving embrace. Dad could not contain it any longer. He sobbed. His sorrowful tears poured from his eyes and onto the wedding album. I hugged him tightly and cried with him,together.

Deep in his heart,dad was hurting,he was bleeding profusely. Still sobbing,he asked me:

恩妮，Daddy 是不是很丑？Daddy 是不是不好？为什么Mummy不要我，跑去跟那个男人上床？如果她肯认错，如果她肯回我身边，我什么都愿意。即使她已经跟别的男人上床，我都可以愿谅她，

因为，

我爱她。

He was utterly heartbroken. Mum,what you did was a colossal blow straight to his heart.

No dad,no. You are the greatest dad and the greatest husband I've seen this far. No,you are not crap. You were never crap. Deep in my heart,you have my ultimate respect. I'm so proud to have a dad like you. I really am.

I promise myself,if I never find a guy like my dad in this life,I'll never marry. I rather remain single forever till the day I leave this world. God,if you exist,please listen to me. If you think I'm going to shatter a good guy's heart like my dad's into bits and pieces like what my mum did to my dad,then don't,don't grant me love. I don't deserve such unconditional love which radiated sincerely from such a loving,affectionate and faithful guy's heart. Only if you think I can love that guy with all of my heart,with the whole of my soul,only if you think I can continue loving him as long as he loves me,then,you grant me that true love I deserve.

I've never experienced true love before. But I know the love that radiated from deep within my dad's heart for my mum,is true.

Affairs,breakups,divorces. Yea,discouraging. They make people lose trust in marriage. But no matter what,I strongly believe,true love is out there. I've seen a life example of it. And so,I'll keep on believing,

That true love is true.

2009-10-16T01:27:00.000-07:00

Every Sky Has Its Own Rainbow

What do you feel when you look up and gaze onto the plain blue sky,a rainbow is painted onto that sky,way up high?

To her,it puts a smile on her face. It cheers her up and makes her happy.

Her first rainbow did appear on her plain blue sky. Sadly,it did not linger on her sky for long. It faded over time and eventually vanished. Her first rainbow had left her sky. The colours that brightened her sky are all gone now. What's left behind now is her sky that was once plain blue.

Rainbows. Yes,they do cheer you up. But they do not linger on the sky for long. That's the sad truth. Is there such a thing as an eternal rainbow? Yes,they do exist,in fantasy. But unfortunately no,in reality.

However,once a rainbow appears on her sky,to her,it will always be there. When her rainbow fades,memories of her rainbow appearing on her sky and how it cheered her up will always be with her,burried deep down in her heart,but never to to be unearthed once again. Once burried,the memories are dead. They can never ever cheer her up or hurt her anymore. Those memories will just and only be plain memories,nothing else.

Thus,when the memories are dead,it leaves room in her heart to accommodate live memories of her second rainbow-that guy whom she will dote on and love wholeheartedly;that guy who will also dote on her and love her wholeheartedly and who will be able to give her that sense of security.

Indeed,rainbows are rare. But she believes her second rainbow will appear and take her away. Someday.

However,until love knocks on her door,let's not talk about rainbows.

斯念

2009-10-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

I got this sms from Ying Khiam. I found it very meanigful and thus,i'm penning it here for sharing. (:

喜欢和爱是不同的。

喜欢他，可能是因为他为自己所做的一切。
爱他，却从不会计较为他所做的一次。

喜欢他，可能只是因为他的性格很不错。
爱他，却连他那坏得离普的性格都很喜欢。

喜欢他，会劝他不要淋雨。
爱他，却愿意陪他一起被雨淋。

喜欢他，可能只是因为他的好。
爱他，却连他的缺点都能接受。

喜欢他，可能只是因为你愿意聆听他自己的倾诉。
爱他，连他对你的抱怨都能接受。

喜欢他，可能需要很多很多的理由。
爱他，是不需要理由。

爱就是爱。

I did not sleep well last night. My pillow had a spot which was wet. I tried to close my eyes and fall asleep,but to no avail. All the memories flashed back. The good and the bad. I was smiling,and at the same time,I could feel warm tears rolling continuously down my cheeks. Oh my god. It was then that I came to realize how much I missed you.

You have changed. Like how a caterpillar evolved into a butterfly. Where did that silly boy that had once made me so happy vanished to? Yes,you have turned very unfeeling and very cold now. You seem to have many frustrations running through your mind. So different from the carefree and cheerful boy I knew in the past.

But somehow,i still can sense the existence of that little boy in you,trapped under many many frustrations and unhappiness. Maybe you have been hurt by someone else,and that explains that change in you.

Reminiscing the past...

“你很累是吗？”
“没有。”
“Then 为什么你关眼睛？”
“ 因为我不要看到你的脸。”

“等下晚上，你可以打给我吗？hee.”
“ k.”
“Harlo? Okay,我打给你了,bye bye.”
“Huh? 什么？”

“你懂这种bag,只有Sec 2到Sec 3的人带吗?”
“这种东西只有一个人会做，而那个人，就是我妈妈。而我妈妈是一位auntie.”
“她穿什么jeans? 你穿什么jeans? 要比就比到完。”
“你可以不要一直sms吗？”
“朋友sms我，我就reply咯。”

"What did i do wrong? Why did you treat me like that?"
"I could have treated you worser but I controlled okay."

"You have a girlfriend already is it? Please tell me. I want to know the truth."
"Yes."
"I hope you will wish us well,and not curse us."
"That's not what i meant. =("

"Don't make me kick you outta my life."

"Who are you for me to answer for your stupidity?"
"It doesn't take much for me to fall for a girl. If you're not my type,let's not force it."

第一道彩虹，你真的很难爱。

因为你不爱我，我以下想对你说的一切，一定会让你觉得很恶心，很反感。但是，我还是想让你知道。。。

我爱你

我要做你身边的那个女人。我要你带路，而我在你背后支持你。我要与你承担你的不快乐，与你分享喜乐。让你伤心和烦恼减一半，快乐加倍。

以前，我们曾经有过快乐的回忆。我曾经有看过你笑得很开心。

This quote was from one of my good friend,Venessa's facebook:

"The best happiness is not what others have given you.
"It's the happiness that you gave to this special someone,and receive his or her smile after that. (: "

但是现在，我再也不可以带给你快乐了，我再也不可以弄你笑，再也看不到你的笑容。

因为我知道，你已经对我豪无感觉。

对，事实的确就是那么的残酷。

即使我有多么的舍不得你，即使我有多么的爱你，我也很清楚，爱是不可以勉强的。

所以，我真诚的希望你会找到那个爱你，而你也爱她的女人。因为你是一个值得被爱的男人。

第一道彩虹，将来，不管发生什么事，答应我，你会快乐的活下去。

好吗？

Tomorrow Will Be A Better Day. =)

2009-10-09T00:22:00.000-07:00

From 14209. Till now,8 months had already passed. Why do those tears still roll down her cheeks every time she's alone at night? Move on? How she wish she could. So much easier said than done. Heard many of those comforting words. But really too bad,they can only act as painkillers. Yes,she can forgive. But really too bad,her memory is too good. She can't forget what he did and said to her. She really wants to forget,but she really can't. How she wish she could forget,then it wouldn't hurt her so much right now. Time can heal all wounds. Is that really true? She doesn't dare to be taken away,because she already had the phobia of her new rainbow not treasuring her.

It is okay if she did wrong,then he gives her the cold shoulder. She really did try to recall what sin she had commited. It puzzles her. What did she do to deserve that attitude from him?

She's afraid. The world is not as simple as it seems. There are many scheming big bad wolves in disguise out there,preying on innocent little lambs. And so she needs some time to grant access to the only one she trusts.

Sadly,after she takes the time that is essential,her rainbow had already moved on to another sky. Since he could do that so easily,it goes to show that she means nothing to him at all. He's not the least proud to have her as his girlfriend. His girlfriend is just like a silly little girl who doesn't know how to dress,unlike his friends,unlike the girl's best friend. So what if he loses her. So what. He won't feel a thing. That was how unimportant she was in his heart.

When she be herself,he doesn't like it. And so she tried to change and improve. But that made her really unhappy. What's wrong with being herself? She is like that. I'm sorry girl. The ugly truth is,he doesn't like you for who you are. He is only concerned with spotting your flaws.

His criticisms have so much effect in bringing her down. It made her feel so useless. But deep down,she clearly knows that,she's not.

If she doesn't fall for him,he can say the harshest words and do the harshest things to her. It will have zero effect in hurting her. However,if she falls for him,even the little mean things that he does and say will have 100% effect in hurting her to a great extent. So why did she fall for him and allow him to bully her? Tell me. Was she silly?

It took some time for her to realise that she really does like him. But when she ended up falling for him,he doesn't like her anymore. He doesn't want to give her warm hugs anymore. He doesn’t mind if another guy hugs her anymore. He doesn't want her anymore. He wants to leave her behind,and allow someone else to take her away. He wants to abandon her and move on to another sky because at the end of the day,he realised she wasn't his type. He realised she wasn't his type only after she had fallen for him. She can't possibly turn back and stop liking him completely after falling for him. It's irreversible. And after she had fallen for him,it disappoints and hurts her so much as he could forget her that easily. Move on to another sky that easily. Moving away from her is just like a breeze to him. Yes,that was really painful. Do you people understand how much that hurts? Does anyone out there really understand how that feels? No,you people don't. You're not her. How would you understand. How would anyone understand.But,what's the point of keeping him when his heart is not with her? What's the point? That's right. It's pointless. And so she reluctantly decided to let him go and leave her behind. Her best friend and one of her good friend told her that she doesn't like him. In fact,she loves him. How can that be true? What is like? What is love? It's intriguing. In the past, she liked him,but doesn't realize it. So what does it imply now? That she has unknowingly grown to love him in the dark?

So what if she loves him. He doesn't love her. Not even like her a single bit anymore. One sided love just hurts. Way too much.